Do you want to be just like the thousands of people who are living their dream, raking in millions whilst lying on a beach in Thailand, partying every night with their huge entourage of passively-incomed friends, and jet-setting around the world to interview Richard Branson, Elon Musk and Jesus, for their latest vlog?
Despair no more! Success is actually really easy if you follow my simple steps. The secret is that there are a few daily habits you must get into if you want to take your life from the boring, mediocre, average struggling Joe to the super-successful, celebrity, mega-rich, whizz-kid, jet-setting, in-demand, TED-talking, uber-popular, hot-shot entrepreneur that you aspire to become. I have trawled the best of the blogs, learned from their trial and error and condensed thousands of not-very-secret secrets into the 101 things you should be doing before breakfast if you ever hope of being a success in life. If you’re not doing these, what is wrong with you??
- Get up at 4.30am
- Go for a run. Preferably the Three Peaks Challenge, but if you’re just a beginner you could settle for a full marathon.
- Write sixteen blog posts, three e-books, twenty-seven social media posts, film three vlogs and hold four live webinars
- By now the kids will have got themselves up, showered, ironed their school uniforms, done all their homework and packed their school bags. Prepare healthy school lunches for them in bento boxes with crudites, home-made hummus and sandwiches in the shape of dinosaurs and Hello Kitty. If you don’t have kids, make lunches for all the neighbours’ kids.
- Make bread dough.
- Whilst you’re waiting for the dough to rise, use this otherwise wasted time to mow the lawn, clean the oven, and make a piece of furniture you saw on Pinterest with a recycled pallet.
- Hold several teleconferences with your big corporate consultancy clients in Hong Kong, New York, Singapore and Geneva. Give them five minutes of your wisdom that will instantly save them millions, and bask in the warmth of their grateful accolades.
- Read the Financial Times, the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, the Guardian, the China Times and the Sydney Morning Herald. It’s important to be well-read, up to date with what’s happening in the world, and get a balanced view.
- Don’t let those 1,001 emails in your inbox get the better of you. Fire off a quick but well-crafted reply to each of them and empty that inbox!
- Text Her Majesty the Queen about meeting up for Tea at the Ritz in London this afternoon, and arrange to meet Mark Zuckerburg for dinner at the French Laundry in the Napa Valley, followed by nightclubbing in New York with Taylor Swift.
- It’s important to give something back. Go onto Amazon, order a million ipads, and have them sent to starving children in Africa.
11-99. You should still have a few minutes to spare before breakfast. Having achieved quite a lot already, don’t make the classic average person’s mistake of not squeezing maximum value out of those few remaining, unallocated minutes. Use this time wisely by doing another 89 or so tasks of your choice, which might include, for example, re-roofing the house, starting another company, fixing the economy or bringing peace to the Middle East.
- Now that you can be confident that you haven’t wasted a single minute of your time, and you are cultivating the healthy habits of a successful person, there are just two more things you need to do to start the day: whip up a three-course raw, vegan, gluten-free, paleo, wholegrain, no-carb, no trans-fats, 5:2, Mediterranean, Jamie Oliver breakfast; and
- Check yourself into rehab.